365 Days of Shakespeare

That's right – the Bard in a year.

28. Are you hungry? And not just for revenge?

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Look at what my crazy/brilliant boyfriend came up with while bored at rehearsals for Richard III (in which he rocked the role of Buckingham…he’s such a good actor, and no, I’m not biased. Shut up):

Are you hungry? And not just for revenge? Then come on down to Chez Richard’s! Have a look at the menu, won’t you?

BREAKFAST MENU:

*Pan-Cakes-By’s
*Mistress Shore’s Sportive Trix (definitely NOT for kids)
*Silken, Sly, Insinuating Apple Jacks
*Grey-Sin Bran
*Honey Nut Catesby-O’s
*Bracken-Berry Crunch
*Hopie Puffs
*Hannannah Nut Crunch
*Our most popular cereal item: Bishop of Ely’s STRAW-berry! Crunch, made with real STRAW-berries! from the Bishop of Ely’s garden in Holborn.
*And in each specially mark’d box of cereal, a toy for your tender babes, which include: an elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog; a hedgehog; a poisonous, bunch-back’d toad; the dagger of Richard the Duke of Gloucester, being but a toy which is no grief to give; a rag of honour; adders, spiders, toads, or any creeping venom’d thing that lives; or just a dog
*Queen Mar-Grits
*Hoyday! A McGriddle!
*Lox-Ford on Bagels (for our Jewish friends)
*Bucking-Ham N’ Eggs, made with bits of hardy Welshmen in every bite, and it comes with complimentary hair gel
*My Clarence’s Toast Uncle Angry. I mean, my Angry’s Clarence Toast Uncle. I mean, my effin’ Uncle Clarence’s Angry Toast, with Queen Mar-Garine.
*Pom-Fruit Salad, made from the royal fruit of rashness that the royal tree hath left us

LUNCH AND DINNER AND EDWARD THE FOURTH MEAL MENU:

*Base Lackey Pheasant, garnished with Sage…….Grave Men
*Rat-Cliffe-Atouillie
*Poultrey Fellows (our best chicken dish)
*Lud-Low Mein
*Breck-Knockwurst, seasoned with Basil…….lisks
*The Lunchables Whereof the King My Brother Was Possessed
*CAESAR’S CAESAR!…….salad, made from ignoble Plantagenets, small herbs, great AND idle weeds, and blasted saplings
*”I am a hot dog. Specifically, a Ballpark Frank in Hold, Smothered in Mustard Men, and Cooked in the George Stanley Grill. Thou tro-BLEST me.”
*Sweet Beauty’s Rack…….of Lamb
*Smoked, Murderous Falchion (Marinated in King Henry IV’s blood so you know it’s good)
*Mistress Shore’s Passing Pleasing Tongue
*Fiery Dragon Spleen, Smothered in Gloucestershire Sauce
*The Runagate Richmond’s White Liver, with a choice of spices from the Nest of Spicery
*Our selection of soups, made from corrupted, blemished chicken, beef, or vegetable stock
*The Supreme Seat (our pizza dish)
*Incensed Boar (Chopped in the Malmsey-Butt in the Next Room)

CANDIES AND DESSERTS UNMERITABLE:

*Sir Walter Sherbert
*Devil’s Food Cakes-By
*Lickable Bear Welps
*Mistress Shore’s Cherry Lips
*Tewks-Berry Pie
*Sugared Bottled Spiders
*Richmond’s Malted Milk Sops
*Duke of York Peppermint Patties
*Rice Hastings Treats

DRINK SPECIALS:

*Fulsome Wine (with a delightful Clarence aftertaste)
*The “Bloody Richard”
*Pomfret-Granate Juice
*Cloudy Mixers and Heart-Sorrowing Beers
*The “Drunken Sailor on a Mast”
*The “Bloody Tyrant” with a Homicide Chaser

This cuisine is so princely, you’ll cry out, “GIVE ME ANOTHER NAPKIN! BIND UP MY DROOL!” So keep an evil diet long and much o’er consume your royal person at Chez Richard’s!

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Written by Caroline Mincks

October 28, 2009 at 7:14 PM

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